Abusive Relationships in South Africa

More people are in abusive relationships than we may be aware of. There is considerable under-reporting.

Some background of women and child abuse:

• Historical paternalism
• Male privilege
• The superior male physical strenghth
• Generations of child abuse
• Learnt submissioness of such women and children

Abusive relationships can occur anywhere; in the home of the poor and rich, black and white, adequately educated and poorly educated, married and unmarried, rural and urban.

Emotional / Verbal and Psychilogical Abuse

• Hurting someone's feelings, running down his/her character and giving constant destructive criticism.
• Overly jealous behaviour or obsession with someone; following someone around, secretly spying on him/her, constantly phoning someone.
• Getting other people to pester another person.
• It is psychological abuse if a person controls another person in such a way that he/she is not free to make any basic decisions or have friends or do things that any other person may do, like phoning or visiting relatives.
• Continuous humiliating, insulting and name-calling is abusive.
• Threats of bodily and other harm are intimidating and abusive.
• Continuous patterns of spying on someone, making telephone calls (or letting someone else make them), or sending messages, etc to him/her that induce the fear of harm is abusive.
• You have the right to have a different opinion from your spouse

Every right comes with the power to execute it. You might need to be assisted to execute your rights.

Sexual Abuse

• Harassment is when someone shows unwanted sexual attention to another person in the following ways: verbally, touching, grabbing, phoning, sending messages, gesticulating, body posturing, etc.
• Harassment also involves threats that the person may suffer if he/she realises the harasser's attentions, e.g. loss of the person's job (in the workplace) or suspension (in school).

Economical Abuse

Economical abuse usually only occurs in domestic relationships - between marital partners, parents and children, etc.

• Unreasonable keeping of money from the partner (which he/she is legally entitled to);
• Refusal to pay or share rent or mortgage (bond) for the home they share;
• Disposing of property (household goods) in which the other person has interest without his/her permission.

What can I do if I am abused ?

Always remember:

• You are not to blame - you did not give permission nor did you 'ask for it'.
• Like any other human being, you have the right to be in control of your own life and to make your own choices.
• You have the right to be treated like any other human being: with respect and dignity.
• You have the right to be safe in your living and working environment.
• You have the right to be happy.
• You have the right to be an individual and to be treated civilly.
• You have a right to have a different opinion from your spouse.
• You have a right to say no.

1. You will have to make a decision

The abuse will not stop by itself - you will have to take action. To ensure your safety and to work towards your own happiness is not something unusual or unfair - it is your right as an individual. Believe in yourself, and if you don't, get someone to support you. Every right you have comes with the power to execute it. You might need to be assisted to execute your rights.

2. Talk to someone you can trust

Start sharing it with a friend. Then trust him/her to help you to seek further help. The law protects everyone against violence and abuse. You will feel better after sharing your pain with someone else. Go for counselling; there are people specially trained to help you.

3. Find out about the law

Seek legal protection. It is your right. Go the the Police and/or courts. All forms of abuse are against the law; it is a punishable offence FAMSA gives counselling to the abused and their families.