What goes wrong and why ? The first difficulty may be because, when they were growing up in their own families, the two people learned very different patterns of communication. For example, one's family might be very open in speaking about and showing feelings. They might tend to work together on their problems, even if it takes time and energy.

The other's family might be uncomfortable with showing feelings, and the members learn to keep them hidden, and try to work things out on their own. A couple who starts off with such differing approaches will need to develop its own system that will allow them to understand each other and negotiate their lives together.

Another cause of the messages being mixed up is that communications itself is very complex, and takes place on a number of levels at the same time. We give messages not only through words we say, but also through many other cues. These could be in our facial expression, our body language, voice and style of speech, and even our actions like the clothes we choose, the subjects we avoid talking about, and the amount of attention we give to each other.

Words which do not match actions can seem insincere, and when they really contradict what is shown, confusion and distrust can follow. Thus, when someone says, "I'm fine" but clearly looks troubled, a partner may feel hurt at not being confided in or anxious about what's wrong, or angry at being excluded. It would be better to admit "Yes, I am worried about something at work, but I don't feel free to discuss it right now." This respects your partner's need to be informed, but allows you the right to keep some things to yourself. In the Black culture, men would feel more comfortable in opening up to other men.

Sometimes communication goes wrong because you are not really sure what you are feeling, or how to tell another person. Maybe you need a bit more time to sort it out in your own head and then you'll have a better chance of making it a clear message. It's OK to say "I'm feeling confused - I'm not sure what I feel", when this is true. You may want your partner to help to work things out, or need time to think about it. What you should avoid is saying things you don't really mean because your partner won't know how to interpret them.

The third pitfall in communication that causes problems is how we interpret the meaning of messages we receive.

For example, if a partner touches the other person's cheek, it may show affection, or that sex is being suggested, or it may even be a sign of criticism, like "You haven't shaved". The way you interpret may be affected by how good or bad you're feeling about yourself. When you're feeling low, perhaps you're oversensitive, and easily feel threatened or hurt. When you feel criticized, you may try to defend yourself by getting angry and attacking the other person, instead of being able to concentrate on the issue that needs your attention. This is called being defensive, and couples often spend so much time and energy defending themselves from criticism and hurt, that they never get round to dealing with their problems. If this is happening, they need to stop putting each other down, hold back on defending themselves, and try to concentrate on the issue that needs to be resolved. This reduces some of the tension and allows a more constructive approach to problems.

Effective communication styles help partners accept themselves and each other, and develop understanding and respect in their relationship.

The skills which are most needed are the ability to be open and honest, able to speak about how you feel and what you want without attacking your partner, giving clear, unambiguous messages, and showing respect for your partner's feelings and rights. If you have a complaint, it is helpful to voice it as "I feel ... etc." rather than starting with a blaming "You..." message. This shows that you recognize you also have a part to play in solving the problem.

As an effective listener or receiver of messages, you are able to pay careful attention to what your partner is conveying, noticing the non-verbal communication and the emotions that are present. It is important to stop yourself becoming defensive and rather concentrate on making sure you've understood what is meant, by checking out anything that confuses you. Try to see the other person's point of view. Then, and only then, you will respond as honestly, openly and clearly as you can. This process continues until both agree it can end. Successful communication means you avoid misunderstanding, confusion, unnecessary hurt or unfinished business, and reach an agreed conclusion.

Negative styles are those that come across to the other person as threatening, irritating or blocking their response. Avoid using these negative styles.

For example - Are you always in the right ? This style is hard to live with. Remember, you don't have to be perfect to be loved. Are you over-critical, indignant or blaming to others ? It could be that you're not too happy with your own life. Could you be doing more to feel good about yourself ? You may need to listen more, and try to develop understanding and empathy. Perhaps your style is dominating and dogmatic, which can become abusive, and may show a lack of caring. Try to see the other person's point of view, and respect their rights, as you do your own. Are you inclined to preach or lecture? This detracts from the message you so badly want to give, and can feel like a put-down to the other person. Keep it short and sweet.

How about whining or acting the martyr ? It could be that you're not taking enough responsibility for making yourself happy. Some assertiveness training and goal-setting could be a help to you. Do you work at arousing guilt or obligation in others, as a lever to get them to do what you want ? This is manipulation and doesn't allow the other person to communicate freely with you. It arouses a lot of hidden anger and resistance, and shows a lack of respect for the other person's rights. It is better to learn to negotiate honestly for what you want.

Putting some thought and effort into improving your communication can really pay dividends in your close relationships. Using effective communication shows that you really care about those you are close to and can help them really care about you.