No two people are exactly the same and so in any relationship we are bound to reach some points of disagreement. This is what makes relationships stimulating, and encourages us to grow as individuals, because we come to see life through other’s eyes. As we develop the ability to cope constructively with conflict, we can learn a great deal about ourselves and each other. Our relationship becomes stronger as we develop faith in our ability to solve our problems.

Coping with problems in a positive way is not easy, and we need practice in learning how to overcome the obstacles. The first obstacle is feeling overwhelmed by our emotions. It may be a shock to discover the other person disagrees, and there can be fear of not getting what you want, or anger at being opposed. These are natural feelings and you should use them to tell you just how important this problem is to you, and then be able to tell this to the other person too. After all, it's hardly worth a big scene over something you don't mind giving up, but you would need to make it clear if it feels like a life-or-death issue for you. Sometimes couples turn every minor disagreement into a major battlefield. This is probably because they have only experienced relationships where they have been either in control or in submission. It is time they learned about being equals. Exerting pressure to get your own way will probably increase the other person's resistance. If you are able to force them to do what you want, you are building up problems for the future, because they are not likely to back you if things to wrong.

It is helpful for people who get locked into power-struggles to agree to respect the other person's views and feelings, as they do their own, and to see conflict as a chance to learn to understand one another, rather than to dominate.

Once you have become aware of the strength of emotions involved, you need to get your feelings under control. You can't work on the problem while trembling with emotion, and you may need to have a cooling-off period before getting down to serious discussion. The second obstacle is not knowing how to work through disagreements. It's a process that you can go through step by step, and when you are aware of working in this way, it reduces the anxiety and increases the possibility of arriving at a good solution for both of you.

• The first step is working out what you are feeling and what it is you want. The other person does the same.



• The second step is hearing about each other's feelings and views. This is where the self-control is important. You need to listen to each other carefully, and however much you disagree, don't argue, but try to accept the differences and the right each person has to feel the way they do.

Now comes the hard-work part where you have to use your imagination and get information in your search for new ideas to solve the problem. You need to distinguish here between practical or material issues, and those that have to do with values, beliefs and attitudes. Differences in values and beliefs will call for extra tolerance to understand, and accept, that each person has experienced life in their own way, and are bound to see things differently. You cannot force another person to agree with you, or to be more like you. The most important thing is to accept the differences between you, to acknowledge that each has a right to their own views, and then to let it go.

With more concrete issues, where you have to reach a joint decision, the task is to find more alternatives, in the hope of discovering a way for each of you to get what you want, without ending up with a winner and a loser. It is not wrong to want your own way, but obviously you cannot expect it every time. If you really can't find a way to satisfy both of you, then it's fair to expect to have your way about half the time, and your partner the other half. You can take turns to choose, or you can trade off a few smaller issues for one larger one, or you can freely give the choice to your partner out of love or consideration, with no strings attached. It's important to make sure that one person is not continually feeling cheated, because this can lead to more conflict and struggle.

It may require a lot of effort to find really creative and effective ways to break a deadlock. Keep an open mind, and consider each suggestion carefully. Some wonderful solutions can be developed out of what seems like silly ideas at the start. Resist discouragement and be persistent. You can succeed. Some problems take time to research and explore, and there needs to be agreement on how long to allow before getting together to check out progress and new ideas. Don't leave it indefinitely - this is just a way of avoiding the issue. If you find it is no longer important, then say so, and forget it.

The third obstacle to coping with conflict is dirty fighting. This can be a really bad habit and often goes with a win-at-all-costs approach. It is guaranteed to create a lot of bad feeling and to make it much harder to reach resolution. You should both agree not to fight dirty. If you are sincere in resolving the crisis and having a healthy relationship.

Dirty fighting includes the following behaviour:

1. Insults, sarcasm, critical or personal comments and whatever is intended to wound or humiliate the other person. This is often used to enable one to feel stronger at the expense of the other. If the other person persists in using these weapons, you should try to ignore them so that they don't achieve their aim.
2. Another tactic is adding other issues to the one being discussed, especially old grievances from past conflicts. This can be a smoke screen to avoid dealing with the main issue. Rather keep to the point, and deal with only one issue at a time.
3. Delaying tactics, are to avoid confronting the issue. Make a time to sit down together, when there will be no disturbances or distractions, and stick to the task.
4. Withdrawing, acting aloof, or refusing to get involved in discussion may be a way of avoiding what is painful, and if both partners do it, it ends up in a cold war, with less and less to talk about.
5. Giving in and then complaining about the outcome is used to undermine the partner's choice. If you have agreed to go along with the decision, then you accept equal responsibility for the outcome. Reproaching and blaming is dirty fighting, and won't contribute to finding a better way next time.

Once you have agreed on a direction to take, you will need to check out how it's working for both of you. You may need to re-negotiate if a better option is needed. The rewards for working through a difficult conflict successfully are very great. The satisfaction and confidence you feel about your relationship will be strengthened and will help you and your partner achieve more understanding and acceptance of one another and yourselves.