“There are two parts to divorce – the emotional divorce and the legal divorce. The emotional divorce started when you realised that your spouse was no longer the person you wanted in your life, when you discovered that the person you married could not meet your needs and when you felt you were totally mismatched. You made the decision to separate and may now be overwhelmed by some of the following feelings:
Fear – that you won’t be able to survive on your own, people will reject you, you will live in poverty and always be alone.
Guilt – that you are a rotten parent, a bitch/bastard and that you’ve caused such pain and maybe even the suicide of your spouse.
Self-pity – that you’ve been too trusting and too blind to see what’s happening and that no one has ever suffered like you.
Failure – that you’ve failed your children, your parents, your friends.
Anger – at your spouse for failing you, forcing you to break up your family, at the whole world in fact.
Hatred and a need to take revenge – that you will get even, take him to the cleaners – take the children away.
Self blaming – that you’re stupid to have married, that it’s all your fault, that you’ll screw up everything in life.
Feeling abandoned and deserted is a normal response to the loss of your spouse who was supposed to take care of you and fear for your physical and emotional survival, and may explode into anger, guilt, anxiety and bitterness.
At the same time that you are feeling these more aggressive feelings, you may be experiencing bouts of sadness and yearning for your lost partner and you may be overcome by fits of crying and sobbing or a dull ache that won’t go away.
The intensity of these so called “negative emotions” is an indication of how important and meaningful you marriage was to you. None of these emotions are negative but they may become so if you are unable to understand them, accept them and then let them go so that you can begin rebuilding your life.
Some guidelines that might help you:
- Accept these uncomfortable emotions as part of you, they are neither good nor bad, they are your response to the death of your marriage.
- Allowing yourself to experience them, this way you are mourning this death.
- By accepting that these emotions are you, you own them and therefore at the appropriate time after your divorce, usually some time within the first year, you can let them go.
- If your continued anger and hostility at your spouse and your need for revenge doesn’t make you happy or bring about what you want, act in a different way – take control of yourself rather than allowing these emotions to control you.
- Focus on whether you would rather be right or happy – we cannot have both. Feeling permanently done down by your ex, will prevent you from being happy.
- Think about the breakdown of your relationship and try to accept responsibility for the part you played in it. Try to put it in a different perspective – neither giving all the blame to your ex nor taking blame for it yourself.
- Allow your family to share your emotions and to have their own. Try to comfort them and allow them to comfort you. Above all be patient with yourself and trust your inner strengths and believe that you will feel better in time.
There are so many emotions that will hit you after your divorce – all of them normal. If however you feel too overwhelmed, contact a professional counsellor to help you work through the pain.
