Whether you live together or not before marriage, it is important that you know why you want to marry now and why you are choosing this person. Is this person someone who you will want to be with for the rest of your life ? Is this the person who can be your spouse, friend, lover, support system and co-parent ? Can you picture yourself with this person in 30/40 years time ? Will you still be a team, loving and supporting each other, sharing your lives ? Marriage is not for now but forever. Try therefore to think long term. Are you making the right choice for you ? Not for your parents or friends but for you. You are going to have to live with your partner for the rest of your life.

Are you prepared for the realities of marriage ? Marriage is not easy and requires hard work. Right now you are on cloud nine. Nothing will ever go wrong. You are in love and that's enough. It is a great deal but there is more you need to do to prepare yourselves for marriage so that you can make the most of your relationship so that it will continue to grow and remain as fulfilling and full of excitement as it is now.

You and your partner need to spend a lot of time talking about yourselves and discussing the following:

1. Your expectations of marriage. What do you want from the relationship, from your partner and what do you expect of yourselves ? Are these expectations realistic, can you and do you want to meet these expectations and needs ?
2. Talk about your backgrounds, your families of origin. Where did you grow up, who was in your family, what were their attitudes and values, how have they influenced you and how are you going to relate to them now and to your in-laws ?
3. Talk about your friends. Are you going to have your friends, my friends and our friends ? What part will friends play in your marriage.
4. What about your leisure activities and hobbies ? Can you each pursue your own interests ? What will you have to give up ? What about holidays, etc. ?
5. What about your finances ? How will you budget ? Where will you live ? What will you spend on your home and on yourselves ?
6. Have you discussed children ? How many will you have and when ? How will you bring them up ? What about the role of the grandparents ? And the role of other relatives?
7. Talk about your sexual relationship. What is your attitude to sex ? How much do you know ? What about contraception ? How do you feel about your own body and your partner's ? Good sex doesn't just happen. We need to help it grow.
8. Talk about your communication styles. Are you good at listening, at expressing your feelings, at negotiating and resolving conflict ? Do you talk about your problems or push them under the carpet ? How do you respond to your partner's anger and pain ? What do you need to work on individually and together ?

Preparation also involves realizing that some of your roles and responsibilities will change and you may need to give up some of your independence. You will now become a team, not just 'you' and 'I' but 'us' and this means accomodating and compromising, some give and take, some loss of independence and individuality, but you will gain a partner and support and be stronger as a team than as individuals.