As the strain of daily life takes its toll on people, the resultant stress impacts negatively on their relationships. The divorce rate has reached an unprecedented high level with the children involved often emerging with behavioural problems. Without intervention these negative cycles are perpetuated in their adult lives.

Retirement is one of the major turning points in life which generally changes the focus and priorities of both husband and wife. How one adapt to these changes, will depend on one’s attitudes, lifestyle and the strength of the planning and preparation one has consistently put in place. In the past, formal retirement was the norm and in certain employment it was enforced, but in truth………….nobody needs to stop doing the work they enjoy doing and to sit on the stoep because they have reached 60 or 65 years of age as the case may be when they are physically, mentally and emotionally able to continue working. So, how about starting now 10,20,30 or 40 years before your 60th birthday, to move toward or to plan for the right career, the one you would always want to do at any time. If it cannot be a part of your present occupation, let it be a past time, a part time or holiday job. When you retire formally then you will be able to pick it up and have a wonderful time. Some people have retired from their first careers and went on to produce new careers and become more successful and fulfilled than in their previous careers. What was your lifestyle like before you retired? Were you workaholics with little time to spend together? Did your occupation take you away from home a lot? How much contact did you have with work colleagues? Were your social friends only work connected? Did you and your spouse lead separate lives and pursue your own interests? Did you have interests and hobbies other than work? Was your social life centred a lot around your work or were you also socially involved in various activities outside your work? When you give up work which has consumed your working days, there will be major changes. You will need to acknowledge the loss that results from retirement whether or not you are happy to leave; loss of routine and structure, a loss of work colleagues and relationships, a loss of status and the role or position you occupied, loss of finances. These losses may result in feelings of depression, of sadness, anger, fear and loss of your self-esteem. Some people may be feeling that they are a failure, that life has ended. Time becomes an issue: what will you do all day, how will you deal with this new freedom? Can you occupy yourself, find pleasure with your new freedom? Do you feel as if your spouse should give up her/his work for you? Do you envy or resent her occupation and friends? Can you enjoy each other’s company, as retirement will force you to be together? For the spouse, retirement can also be a joy or it can be filled with frustration. To have your spouse interested and involved in the house or in your space, may be supportive, a help in lightening your load, a new way of becoming closer and building a stronger team. On the other hand, it may feel like interference, criticism, an attempt to usurp your role and you may find yourselves irritable and in conflict. Your attitude to retirement will influence how you adapt. Do you see retired people as has-beens, old and of no use. Do you feel that you have lost respect for your retired spouse, that they are no longer the vital useful person you married? Do you want to run away from your own old age? All rather negative attitudes! Or do you view retirement as a new experience which, like experiences, come with its own challenges, pleasures, assurances and surprises. Long before the time it is helpful to consider the following: Plan and prepare for this. Discuss what each of you expect. How do you expect to spend your time? What do you expect from each other? Do these expectations match? Talk about the implications and consequences of retirement. Where will you live? How will you manage your finances? What about medical treatment? How will the decisions you take now affect both of you? Look at your options from both points of view, consider the advantages and disadvantages and take a joint decision. Joint decisions will make for easier adaptation. Don’t make the time of your retirement into a major upheaval where your working years come to an end, you move house, cancel membership to clubs, recreational facilities, close bank accounts, reduce your food bill and number of pets and sell your valuables all at one go. Ease into it. Become aware of your attitudes and feelings about yourself and your spouse. Do you feel more negative than positive? Can you shift to being more positive? We can’t wait around to die! Look for new experiences, try out new things, take risks. This means you need to be flexible and open, enthusiastic and interested in the outside world, young in spirit. Use your time constructively – with less pressure and stress you will be free to experience new things. Reach out and build new social relationships. Make new friends, spend time with your children and grandchildren. Work on your marriage and make your retirement a special time of togetherness, a time of mutual acceptance and tolerance, but allow each space and freedom to continue to be individuals. Allow yourselves time to adapt – time to mourn and grieve those losses, time to negotiate a new life style and time to settle into new patterns. It is a major life change but with time and patience, you will adapt easily. If you experience difficulties, consult a professional counsellor.