A re-marriage is very different from a first marriage. There are different combinations in a re-marriage, each has its own unique difficulties and of course joys.

For example, both of you may have been married before, you may have no children or both have children.

Alternatively only one set of children may live with you, the other visit occasionally or none of the children live with you or all of the children. Whenever there are children in a re-marriage, there is movement in and out of your family and many different relationships to navigate and negotiate, as well as your own new relationship to build.

A DIFFERENT BALL GAME: The myths about step-parenting, and the most well-known one is that of Cinderella and the wicked stepmother, make it difficult for stepmothers, and to a lesser extent stepfathers, to be anything but wicked. Many step-parents have very high and unrealistic expectations of themselves and the children. They expect to recreate a nuclear family, but by definition, this is not possible, as one of the adults is not a biological parent; they expect everyone will love each other instantaneously and that they, the step-parent, can replace or make up for the loss of the other parent through death or divorce. Children will always love their biological parents first BUT they will also, given the opportunity and time, grow to love the step-parent. Step-parents often believe they will feel the same about their step-children as they do about their own and when they do not, they feel very guilty.

DUPLICATION AND MULTIPLICATIONS : In re-marriage and step-families there is duplication. There are two mothers or fathers, one out of the home, four sets of grandparents and many extended family members. There may be children from the different families of exactly the same age. The family may have doubled in size, space becoming a problem. This can create stress and complicate relationships. The step-parent often has an ambiguous role, what is he expected to do regarding discipline in the family? What is he to be called? The step-parent has no legal rights over the step-children. Frequently, after a re-marriage, there is an increased hostility towards the step-parent from the biological parent.

Money is often a problem in re-marriage. The adults are frequently supporting another family or receiving maintenance for the children from the non-custodial parent. This can breed resentment and anger. Inheritance is another issue that may create problems after re-marriage.

SECOND CHANCE: For the step-parent who is prepared to grow and mature further through the experience it can be a creative and enjoyable life. This step-parent recognizes his/her limitations but is prepared to make the best of the situation. He/she accepts the second role and position, and operates in them without expecting to fill the first parent’s shoes, but to support. Doing away with all illusions his/her aim being to build relationships rather to step into instant ones this step-parent can achieve a lot for his/her new family.

Here are a few guidelines that will help you to build your relationship and live in harmony with your new family:

1. Prepare the children for remarriage - explain to them who your mate is and what they should call him/her. Recognise that the children and the single parent often had a very close relationship and remarriage is a threat to this. Can you talk about and accommodate their fears and worries, the feelings of jealousy and disappointment ?
2. Try to accept that your step-children may not like you (you may not like them). Your remarriage is your gain, you are in love, excited and happy. For the children it is often a loss, of the hope that mom and dad will get together, of the special relationship they had with the one parent, perhaps of their own house or room, of their role or status.
3. Give everyone time - remarriage creates an instant family - relationships are new and untested, you married your spouse and collected some children too, the children are forced to relate to you and to their step-siblings who they may never have chosen as friends, but with time these relationships will grow and everyone will adjust to the new family.
4. Talk about how you will bring up the children, who will do what, talk about the finances, is it your money, my money or our money. How do you feel about the maintenance issues. Make a joint plan of action for your family.
5. Discuss your feelings about the situation with each other and with the children. Allow them to express their anger, sadness, confusion. Give yourselves permission to like not love your step-children.
6. Become aware of the extent to which you have dealt with the loss of your previous relationship or marriage - do you still feel angry, sad and a failure or have you let go so that you can form a new relationship that is not too greatly influenced by your previous one.
7. Find time to be alone together when you will not even talk about the children - but when you can keep the warm feelings you have for each other kindled and alive.

Remember you chose each other - give priority to being husband and wife - give yourselves a chance.